LY #92 The Saddest Week

For the past few years that I've been teaching interpersonal communication online, the second week of class is the saddest week.  Chapter 2 of Looking Out, Looking In focuses on the role played by communication in the construction of our Selves.  To understand why the week is sad, you should know about the weekly participation assignment.

This is what my students are supposed to do each week:

1. A primary post with a sentence long quote from the text (with page number) accompanied by a description of a communication event or behavior that illustrates the quotation along with a clear explanation of how the quote and the description are connected.  The chosen quote should always come from that particular week's assigned readings in the textbook.  The communication event should include an observation of a particular action or thing that occurred or existed at a particular time and place and could be seen, heard, touched, tasted or smelled.  Do not simply give a type of behavior like, "she was nice."  Be very specific and give a quote of a verbal message (Example: "She said, 'I really like the way you sing,'") or nonverbal message ("She picked up the groceries I'd dropped and helped me into the house.")
   
2. A thoughtful response to another student's primary post in which you mention something the other student has said.
3. At least one 5 turn conversation with a colleague.  This may result from your colleague's response to your primary post or your response to a colleague's primary post.
   
4. Be sure that you have at least 4 posts each week. 

For the second week, students need to offer a primary post in response to one of these prompts:

1. How has a specific communication behavior performed by one person (verbal or nonverbal) influenced the self-concept of another person? 
2. Can you identify and describe a communication choice that a person might make to manage the impressions others have of him or her in the workplace setting?

The reason that this is the saddest week is that all too often the primary post is about the terrible emotional and sometimes physical abuse my now adult students experienced at the hands of their parents. Sometimes that childhood abuse was followed by relationships with abuse relational partners.  In my current classes I have at least six women who shared that they'd escaped abusive husbands and two men who have talked about fathers who told them over and over that they were "nothing."  All this with quotations from the textbook and following all the other directions for the week.

I used to get information like this in the form of journals and back in the 90s I had lots of handwriting to read each week.  In those days students just shared the information with me, not with a "roomful" of other students.  And even then, I didn't see quite as much confession.  I'm not sure what accounts for the readiness now of students to share their histories so openly -- perhaps it's our confessional times.  It's challenging to give grades to such discourse but that's part of what I'm required to do.  

Grading:  One of the main reasons I'm really happy to retire.

I LUV my Love Class!

This morning the students in Communicating Love (a course that exists in Oregon only at COCC) presented oral reports on their personal beliefs about love. I felt so happy with their sharing, especially the kind remarks from students who recognized the value of others stories about their struggles. A few times one student would thank another for providing insight either from their own lives or in their discovery of a helpful book.

Some examples:

One student talked about how she had learned over the course of the quarter that she wasn't a very good listener but, more importantly, she wasn't a good "talker" -- she didn't like to self disclose. She shared that she blocks connection but that she is planning to do better on this, starting slowly with a bit of self disclosure in safe circumstances. When she was finished another student thanked her for being so open about how she wanted to change.

Another student talked about two books that he had discovered, one by Harville Hendrix and another by Dr. Phil. What he most appreciated about these books was the idea that it's okay to be single and that it's important to get to know and like yourself before you throw yourself into a relationship with another.

Tears were part of a third student's story as she used her daughter-in-law to be as one of her outside sources and talked about how the young woman was teaching her about how rough she'd been on the men she'd been involved with before and had taught her about how women could treat men with kindness. The woman she spoke of, her son's fiance, is also in the class. She talked about her experiences with her very dysfunctional parents and how she had resolved early on not to be like them.

Each student who spoke today had something useful to share. It made me glad, once again, that I teach what I do.

The "Statement of Personal Belief" assignment.

Communicating Love:
Statement of Personal Belief Written and Oral Assignment
10% Oral Report, 90% Written

Aspects of the task:

1. Review what Huck has to say about academic writing at http://khuck.cocc.edu/Essays/default.aspx. Explanations of how Huck grades are on this page.

2. Find two helpful sources about the relationship between romantic love and long-term relationships. These sources may be artistic (short stories, books, movies) or scientific (studies of human experience as reported in magazines). You will incorporate these sources as well as our textbook into your personal statement. You should have a bibliography at the end of your personal statement with all 3 sources.

3. Create a personal statement as either a series of essays or as one long essay. This personal statement should answer the following questions:

How might the relational patterns in your family history set directions for you? (Incorporate descriptions of what you know about parents, grandparents, and siblings relationships and how these might influence you).
How might the interactional patterns of your own childhood influence your current or future love choices? (Incorporate descriptions of two or three actual past experiences.)
Describe any media texts that currently influence your thinking about love and long-term commitment and explain how they influence you. (These may be books, movies, music, television programs, etc.)
What aspects of yourself and your skills do you bring into relationships and will you bring into them in the future?
Describe, with as much clarity and detail as possible, what you hope to experience in your future loving relationships. (Include some description of how you will manage the decline of chemical romance and differences of opinion within the relationship.)

ORAL REPORT (2-4 minutes long) Due anytime during class: June 2-4

Your oral report may cover any of the following aspects of your essay:
Describe the two outside sources you are drawing from and what you have learned from them.
Pick one or two aspects of what you learned about yourself and share them with the class.
Focus on what you are looking for in a loving relationship.

WRITTEN REPORT Due June 11, 1 p.m.

Must make use of textbook and two more sources.
Must have plenty of specific detail.
Must be at least 750 words long.

YOU LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME!

I’ve got to stop whining now. I’ve been susceptible to professional jealousy for years but Friday evening provided me with the medicine I need to alleviate its nasty symptoms.

But I’ll begin on Thursday, May 7, 2009. That afternoon I got a call from my dean, Mary Jeanne Kuhar.

“I hear you’re not going to be at the Convocation tomorrow night,” she said. The Convocation is an administration-sponsored COCC event that celebrates faculty achievement with speeches by the college president and a local newsmaker followed by the presentation of the Faculty Achievement Award. This prize is like being named “Teacher of the Year”. After hearing the accolade, faculty remove their robes and enjoy a no-host bar and free dinner.

I have not been able to attend the Convocation for a few years because it often falls on a Friday night when I’m teaching. This year was no exception.

“Yeah. I work,” I told the Dean. “I sent in my RSVP no show months ago. I’ll be in Redmond.” It was the third Friday of my two weekend Public Speaking Bootcamp.

“We’d really like to see you at the Convocation. It just won’t be the same without you. I mean we really need you. Is there anything I can do to make it possible for you to be there?” Is she offering to find a substitute? To substitute for me herself? I could think of only one reason she would want me to abandon students to be at the yearly gathering. I was getting the award this year. Of course, she couldn’t tell me right out but the smile in her voice let me know.

I assured her that I would not only be there but that I would stay for dinner.

When I hung up I pumped my fist and butt-danced in my chair. “Yes, yes, yes!!!”

I spent the next few hours trying to find a substitute for Friday night. The people I trust to hear and grade twenty-four impromptu speeches – Lilli Ann Linford-Forman, Jon Bouknight, Lou Eckert and Michelle Barry-Franco – were all out of town or busy. Plus, there was the whole problem of the key exchange. So I spammed a cancellation to the class and on Friday morning called everyone who hadn’t replied to the email.

Friday I spent the day working at home and prepping for the evening. I re-dyed my hair to the strawberry blond I’m sporting these days. I went to Costco and bought a Flip video camera. On my way home from Costco, I kept thinking that I needed to go to T.J. Max. I mean, I twice turned in the direction of the Bend River Mall and turned back toward downtown then the third time I made it out to the mall. It took me 15 minutes to find a dress that matched the stiletto-heeled silver sandals I bought at DSW in Eugene last month.

When my friends Stacey Donohue and Mike Van Meter picked me up that evening, I didn’t tell them that I already knew. I couldn’t celebrate until I was officially announced. I sat near the front on the aisle so I could sit the Flip on my lap. After COCC President Jim Middleton spoke warmly about faculty while sharing budget updates and local prosecutor Mike Dugan stood in for his wife Judy Stiegler, offering us a mixed medley of personal reminiscence and praise for education, Kathy Walsh, our Vice President of Instruction started her introduction of the winner of the Faculty Achievement Award. I turned on the Flip.

Even though I knew I was the object of her encomium, I couldn’t recognize myself in her words. She always begins with a build-up, encouraging us to guess who the winner is. (Lots of folks are nominated each year.) She does this very well and I think she enjoys constructing this speech. Friday night she quoted from peer reviews and student evaluations that spoke about someone very serious and dedicated. Could Mary Jeanne have been misinformed? Could this be a moment of mistake? (Stories of mistaken walks toward the Oscar stage flooded my brain.) I couldn’t remember ever reading any of the comments I was hearing. I only remember the criticisms I’ve been given over the years.

Finally, when she got to the part about the winner having “a sense of style all her own, sartorially and in all other ways,” I knew for sure that Mary Jeanne hadn’t made a mistake. So my heart rate went up and I started to sweat, knowing that I’d have to go to the front of the room. Yes, I have TERRIBLE communication apprehension!

On my way up to the lectern, I forgot half of what I planned to say. That wasn’t a problem since I wasn’t supposed to know ahead of time anyway. I just muttered something about Rob McDilda, our dude overseeing COCC’s response to the flu hysteria, calling me that morning to tell me all my students that night had temperatures over 100 degrees and that I needed to cancel class. Then my mind went to, “Yes, dammit, finally!” But I was circumspect enough to avoid saying that out loud.

Then I got the plaque with my name on it. It’s the second one in the 24 years of the award and my name is below those of three people I really like: Michael Gesme (2006), Robert Reynolds (’07) and Stacey (’08), who was in Italy last year when she won. As you can see by these names, I’ve never doubted that the people who received the reward before me deserved it. I just felt that I’ve been around a long time (20 {expletive deleted} years), have worked hard to create a person who succeeds in the classroom, and that, well, yes, okay, by golly, I deserved to win. Perhaps that’s not a very attractive admission. But, hey! I’m human! (And I've got the X-rays to prove it!)

And almost as good as the wonderful things Kathy said about me, is the check for $2500 with the taxes already removed. The remaining two grand will buy my new dog from Seacrest Poodles as well as an outdoor kennel.

Both the VPI and our publicity guy, Ron Paradis, told me stories before dinner about why they realized so late that I wasn’t planning to attend. Something about switched paperwork and big behind-the-scenes last minute panic. It’s all good, though. If I had planned to attend I would have been surprised and wouldn’t have bought my Flip.

I had a great time at dinner, chatting with Dianna Glen, Ken Mays and his spouse, and three science guys, Eddie Johnson, Jim Moodie, and Bob Reynolds. (If you’re remembering the “Lone Gunmen” from X-Files you’d be wrong – my colleagues are all much better looking.) During the evening two folks bought me drinks, so I had Maker’s Mark on ice with my tri-tip beef stroganoff. I got lots of hugs, congratulations, several comments about my silver stilettos and the dress, and got to laugh and go “blue” with those who might appreciate it and not be offended by my love of a certain four letter word.

It was one of those rare moments when I felt like my different selves – Doc Huck, Kake, Karen, the Huckster – were able to be in the same place at the same time.

As we used to write at the end of stories for the Los Gatos High School El Gato, “A delicious meal was served and a delightful time was had by all.”

Good teacher, bad test writer, great students?

It's a conundrum. (Which, according to the online Merriam Webster dates from 1645 and means "1: a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun 2 a: a question or problem having only a conjectural answer b: an intricate and difficult problem.")

The teams all got between B and A on their midterms. One team was through in 15 minutes with what was supposed to be a 40 minute exam. Sigh. In one way I'm very happy for them. In another way I feel like a total palooka. (thirties slang, boys and girls)

In another part of my life, a colleague wandered over to my blog and read the stuff about charmers and stoners. He's a guy whose life pretty much revolves around getting people to give money to a worthy cause so he's got to use charm or, as he put it, being "directly engaged". I'll do something a bit suspect and quote him, without his permission or his name. He said,

"Well, somehow I ended up at your blog (which I enjoyed—I quickly reviewed all the way down to stoned and charmed) and liked the thought you gave me on people being charming. Maybe the difference is that between being directly engaged and being charming, the latter having an element of working a situation. And who likes to feel they are being worked?"

He believes in his cause (as do I) and he has ferocious charm and some good looks (slender, great cheekbones, intense eyes). I told him that sometimes being "worked" is what is called for. And that made me think a lot about communication and why I love studying it and why it's such an important topic. I don't think life is ever as easy as: "Just be real." "Just be yourself." I think that's a ration of horse patootie (as Col. Potter used to say) made popular by money grubbing gurus in the 1960s, '70s.

My question is, in a postmodern world is authenticity even possible? What is authenticity? How much of our communication is "of the moment"? If I am responding absolutely authentically to you, and then tomorrow I have to respond absolutely authentically to someone who dislikes you, but I like you both, does that mean that I am inauthentic when I say I like you or inauthentic when, the next day I say I like your enemy? Are we past Aristotle? Is the virtuous man no longer the consistent one? Or is virtue only a matter of consistency within a given parameter? If communication is a matter of transactions (I give you attention, you give me attention. I give you praise, you give me fidelity, etc.) how can an economics of friendship be wrong? And yet we tend to think of relationships as being outside of economics.

And now, just to be "authentic" and "honest," I will tell him I talked about him on my blog. Heck, this set of utterances can't be only about boring classroom stuff. Gotta engage directly with some actual communication issues.

Self Disclosure in Spring

In my interpersonal class this week we talked about nonverbal and verbal communication. On Thursday I began with a self diclosure (perhaps inappropriate) then went on to talk about self disclosure -- risks and benefits. I told them about how just that day I'd been puttering around in my office and sent some materials to print in the admin assistant's office next door. When I opened the door through there was one of our drawing faculty standing with a great looking guy -- wavy red hair, strong handsome face, slender form, super piratical smile. And I was completely caught offguard. So when she introduced me I said, "You have great hair!" DUMB! Then, I compounded my unfortunate unprofessional communication error by saying, "Wow. If I'd said that to one of these guys (by then our photo-prof was in the office) I could have been accused of harrasment." Time to return to my office.

So, I told that story to my class, explaining that I sometimes get very stupid around attractive people. Especially in spring. Twitterpated is what I get. (Now there's a good word.)

Inappropriate self disclosure? Perhaps. Certainly something I've been known to suffer from in the past. But at least one student said, "I think that's cute."

Oh well. Fifty four years old and still sometimes I ain't got the sense God gave a goose.