36 Trouble

I think the worst diagnosis I ever got from a trained professional was given to my by the shrink at the University of Utah student health center, way back in the mid-80s.  Do I know this because I looked up the descriptors of the diagnosis in the DSM-IV?  Heck no!  I know because I was catching up with This American Life on podcast and heard a story of someone who had a real, honest, true diagnosis of the condition.

In a story that aired on March 14, 2014, John Gravois tells the story of Giulietta Carrelli, a woman whose schizoaffective disorder kept exploding her life until she finally found people who guided her into starting a small business.   It's an amazing story.  You can find the transcript here or listen to it  here.  Carrelli's coffee shop, Trouble Coffee, is in the Sunset District of San Francisco.  It's the place where the foodie toast fad, with its $3 slices, began. 

When I listened to the story, I realized how wrong that Utah shrink had been about me.  I've never heard voices.  I've never gotten lost in space.  His idea that I had a schizoaffective disorder was based on one interview with me during which I continually articulated my self-monitoring observations of my own rhetorical behaviors.  So he was probably hearing word-salad while I was just being a communication graduate student.  I suppose he added in the results of my MMPI -- he told me that the "anger" measurement was very high.  Anyway, that shrink's recommendation was that I drop out of graduate school because it would only make my symptoms worse.

But that wasn't my problem.  I'm not sure what my "problem" is.  I've been diagnosed as depressed but lately I haven't been feeling the old anhedonia like I used to.

But proof that the Utah shrink was an idiot wasn't the only thing I loved about this story.   What I most appreciated was the importance the story gave to "weak ties."  Weak ties are superficial social relationships, relationships with people with whom we are not deeply intimate.  Both Carelli's survival and success are based on "weak ties."  In the Pacific Standard article on which the radio story is based, Gravois writes,

"Most of us dedicate the bulk of our attention to a handful of relationships: with a significant other, children, parents, a few close friends. Social scientists call these “strong ties.” But Carrelli can’t rely on such a small set of intimates. Strong ties have a history of failing her, of buckling under the weight of her illness. So she has adapted by forming as many relationships—as many weak ties—as she possibly can. And webs of weak ties are what allow ideas to spread."

She makes those weak ties by talking with the people in her coffee shop, taking the same route to work every day, wearing the same outfit so that people will recognize her, and talking briefly with folks on the street.  She needs to know that if she gets lost she can ask someone the way and people will know and recognize her.

This is a simple yet wonderful survival strategy.  Hearing about it helps me to think through my future.  I also have a history of not doing very well with strong ties.  For whatever reasons (nature or nurture -- my folks' messy DNA or their training method of intermittent reinforcement) I have tended to sail through realms of the imaginary when I get into deeply intimate relationships.  So, though I've spent much of my life seeking strong ties, they have generally not been the type that held me up and kept me safe.  Instead, it's been the weak ties I've experienced, my workplace relationships, my students,  that have been of great importance, keeping me steady and located in a real place in a real time.

The greatest challenge of retirement will be creating a new system of "weak ties" so I don't go floating, balloon like, into the spaces of my mind.

Here is great advice from Carrelli's Trouble Coffee and Coconut Club website:

STAY TRUE TO YOUR HOUSE. FABRICATE  CONSCIOUSNESS. THE TRUTH IS YOU. THIS IS A SIMPLE INVITATION TO PARTICIPATE. GET IN TROUBLE. MOVEMENT iS A COLLECTIVE ART THAT RELIES ON PARTICIPAPANTS. BUILD YOUR OWN DAMN HOUSE. WE WILL HELP. LEAD WITH WHAT YOU KNOW. MAINTAIN GUTS AND HONOR. BE GRACEFUL. LIVE NOW. COMPOSE. SHED THE LIGHT ON HOW THE MIND  WORKS. CONSTRUCT YOUR PERCEPTIONS. JOIN US IN OUR DANCE. SONGS WORK."